In winter, NYC is the city of tights. You gots schmutz on your foots, Toots!, 27. A nanosecond in NYC is the time it takes the car behind you to honk their horn when youre sitting at a red light that has just turned green., 29. As he ran towards me, the doors started slowly coming together. 7. I always falafel after drinking all night. 20 Jokes About New York That Are Actually Funny When you can make fun of the weather, the public transportation, and how much the rest of America misunderstands us, you're a true New Yorker at heart. You cant do that. ( Easter Jokes for Kids) Where do eggs go for summer camp? New Yolk City! I got a roommate to save money. Sam Richardson Is Happy That the Kids Are Finding. Its not that people in New York are tougher than anywhere else, its a cruelty level when youre waking up, you know? More like Empire Great Building. . What did the old timey New Yorker say to the woman with dirt on her shoes? But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience. The Big Apple cant play chess since its missing two towers., 20. Moo York., 110. Dress as a cop. Theyd say, There goes Obama! Whats the difference between a University of Buffalo sorority sister and a scarecrow? Why arent Buffalo cheerleaders allowed to do the splits? I live in New York. Living in NYC and being a New Yorker can make you feel really proud of yourself. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. They all go like this: Once upon a time, I forgot. I would have said, Excuse me, Im new in town, and it gets worse. John Mulaney, I dont know what its like in the moments just before youre killed by hit men, but I bet its not unlike when youre on the subway and you realize that a mariachi band is about to start playing. So fun. Wish Id known that before I risked my life. I could see him thinking, I cant do what I normally do, which is stick out my hand and stop these doors, as Ive got these bags. I auditioned to live in Williamsburg but didnt get a callback., 69. ET., Rock . 113. Please add a link to this article. Buts its my move now; I got legs, too. Itll be a great place if they ever finish it., 56. A bad building, you just got a man in a door., I live in New York. 20. 127. Alongside hilarious jokes and . It is riveting! But Im frazzled to the point where things are a little tweaky. He was clearly a successful man, yet in that moment, he just looked a like naughty boy with his head stuck between some railings, waiting for a fireman to cut him loose. John Oliver, Everybody in New York has lost their minds. I like the ad on the subway: If you see something, say something. Its a lot better than their old ad: If you see something, pee on it., 75. Comment * document.getElementById("comment").setAttribute( "id", "a32ddda03a3495616beb7beee82b25c4" );document.getElementById("h2249d7876").setAttribute( "id", "comment" ); Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Do you know what year the Cyclone was made in? Theres a saying that there are 8 million stories in this city. What did you expect from a city that never sleeps? 100. 51. I saw one guy the other day in New York, a homeless guy; he had a dog with him. You\'ll receive the next newsletter in your inbox. I love Hollywood. Ill sometimes offer directions when people dont even ask me. Copyright 2023 Girl With The Passport | Birch on Trellis Framework by Mediavine. I consider NYC the best city in the world and I could sing about it all day. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. And it doesnt matter where you areindoors, outdoors, fuckin in a park, in a museum, in a restaurant. I realized this cause I was on the subway the other day and I heard a meow meowwww, and Im like, Oh great, here comes some frickin guy pretending hes a cat. And I turned around, and it was a cat. The single most terrifying experience of my life. Cant be the animal that makes that noise. What material does a New Yorker like to make his pajamas out of? Keep smiling and join us on Social, we'd love to have you over. They bought their team, they spent the most money, theyre supposed to win If youre going to be some fucking bloat-headed alcoholic, drinking overpriced beer in the stands and paying too much money for parking, have some character, pick an underdog. After all, it features all of the best very jokes about New York that have nothing to do with the city that never sleeps and that are sure to make you laugh. However, rather than crying about it, lets laugh about it with some of the best jokes about New York City. Its like somebody took an Ansel Adams photo and then put a Cypress Hill video inside it. Al Madrigal, If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right. Richard Jeni, You cant smoke in a restaurant in Los Angeles, which is mildly ironic when you consider the fact that you cant breathe outside a restaurant in Los Angeles. Greg Proops, Hollywood is like Picassos bathroom. Candice Bergen, I have been asked if I ever get the DTs; I dont know, its hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin. W.C. What did the angry pepperoni say? Yeah, my friend and I have always been passionate about you not helping us. Do you want to know my favorite Los Angeles Dodger? Next stop, 205th Street. The worst thing is you cant really react, you know? The whole show is in a silly, goofy mood. Really looking at yourself and going, Yeah, Im not cool enough for the West Village. Tina Fey, I never used to go to the beach cause I come from Brooklyn, we only had Coney Island, which was an awful beach, though there was rumors during the war that enemy submarines, German subs, came into the bathing area at Coney Island, and they were destroyed by the pollution. Woody Allen, I live in New York City. I just returned from a trip in Germany, and I realized just how awful American children are. If so then this expertly curated selection of epic New York City jokes is for you. You feel sorry for the dog. The Bank Loan A woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan. You gots schmutz on your foots, Toots!. NEW YORK JOKES "New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time most, unsolved." Johnny Carson "It's so cold here in New York that the flashers are just. Because while New York City is amazing, its definitely not perfect. About every 20 minutes, immediately, you have to go [gasp], Oh my god. Two Towers. I think you pull it, Joshua Jackson says to Lizzy Caplan sensually. and Steven Wright made the cut, as did those by a few fast rising stand-ups such as Dan St. Germain, Hannibal Buress and Kumail Nanjiani. Out-of-towners come to L.A. and rub it in my face.Hey, man, you know what you could buy for $700,000 in Alabama? This is the only city where you actually have to say things like, Hey, thats mine. Lets just go. Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines., 57. The first thing I had to do was analyse some fresh prints in Bel Air. But if youre a white guy and you get angry, people are like, That guys a jerk. So I just got back from a trip in Germany, and I realized how awful American children are. As a 30+ year local, I know all about the pros and cons of living in New York City. Bookworms. This website uses cookies to improve your experience. Did Cirie go too far by bringing family matters into the game? Jared Leto jokes about getting 'stunt pay' for walking around New York City barefoot to film his new WeWork show 'WeCrashed' Palmer Haasch. 30. In NYC, one suicide in ten is attributed to a lack of storage space. I love this city; its a great city. I love New York. When were standing on 4th Street. Todd Barry, I was on the train. In span-ish. 105. Let me guess, youre a Gramercy Nazi? He hates New York., 91. My health led me to move to New York City. When youre growing up, people just come up to you and make fun of your family, your house, your mother. New Yorkers are confusing. You can always tell whos raised in New York by how they take a compliment when theyre an adult. And L.A. is a very short commute to America, its like half an hour on the plane. Craig Ferguson, Los Angeles is seven suburbs in search of a city. Alexander Wolcott, Los Angeles is a large city-like area surrounding the Beverly Hills Hotel. Fran Lebowitz, You know, youre really nobody in L.A. unless you live in a house with a really big door. Steve Martin, I love Los Angeles. Cause that fact is way scarier than cyclones. I'll use my Rolls Royce." The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? What do you do to stay cool when its 100 degrees in NYC? Lost in New York? 29. If you are stuck at a red light, its the time that it takes for the occupant of the car behind you to honk his horn when the light turns green. 114. Q: Where do fat cows go on vacation? Think New Yorkers dont get along? Youre not a penguin. And most of those mysteries remain unsolved., 25. Whats a dogs favorite state? I wish I was ethnic; Im nothing. 36. Thats the best shooting ever done in this town. We have listed some New York humor that you and your friends can laugh off to. Im paranoid, and it was the only place where my fears were justified. Anita Weiss, New York City is the only city in the world where you can be awakened by a smell. Jeff Garlin, In NYC, one suicide in ten is attributed to a lack of storage space. Judith Stone, Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorkers God-given right. Ghostbusters II, New York is the city that never sleeps, which is why it looks like hell in the morning. Bill Maher, Theres so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick. Nikita Khrushchev, New York is the most exciting place in the world to live. How hard is it to drive a computer from Toronto to New York? Weve already tipped you off to the 50 funniest New Yorkers and the 21 comedy linchpins that keep Gothams scene alive. Which is cool if you want to have a handlebar mustache, but dont try to have a conversation with me like you dont have a handlebar mustache. Well, we have both of them. 26. Q: Why do Indians love New York? After moving his train around the track for a minute, he stops the train and says "This is New York City. 24. Although, I was at the library today. Its awesome, living in one of the most popular and busiest cities in the world. This post may contain affiliate links. I cant go, 'Oh my god, somebody help me! He said, A good building, you got a door man. A: Because there's a Delhi on every block. We already have this email. Why do people from India like New York? Where do eggs go on vacation? Bits by comedy titans like Woody Allen, Louis C.K. And even if she was from this country, no one has said bozo in 1,000 years. A bunch of people in New York said, Gee, Im enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isnt cold enough. 77. My great grandmother worked on the Underground RailroadBut since she lived in NYC, we just called it the subway., 42. Yeah, I cant see the Forest Hills for the trees. Everybodys plastic, but I love plastic. Enjoy! This guy came up to me at a party last week and asked me, Where are you from? So I told him, Im from Queens, New York. And hes like, No, where are you really from? For those of you who dont know, thats code for Why arent you white?, 81. Good to be back on 6 Trillionth Street. Louis C.K. It will be called: How I killed your Grandmother, What do you call a bike in NYC that has been standing out in the sun for hours? Wish Id known that before I risked my life. . 2022-03-21T17:59:35Z . Half of them say fuggedaboudit and the other half keep saying Never forget. Most of the time thats not so bad, but New York City? Henny Youngman, The trouble with New York is that its so convenient to everything I cant afford. Jack Barry, I moved to New York City for my health. Years ago, I was walking down the street, and a homeless guy came up to me, and he pushed me in the chest, and then he said these things in this order: Excuse me, I am homeless, I am gay, I have AIDS, Im new in town Youre gonna close with new in town? 37 EPIC Classroom Chemistry Jokes Stay Positive like Proton. There are over 8 million people in this city. A fisherman in New York City reeled in a 250-pound catfish measuring 6 feet 6 inches long. I come from New York, where, if you fall down, someone will pick you up by the wallet., 83. Like, Heres a bunch of money just kind of punch me all over. And then, when I got off, I found out that the Cyclone is the oldest functional roller-coaster in the world. I live in New York. 4. The city that never sleeps. 111. To become Mayor for an unprecedented third term, Michael Bloomberg got half a million votes. 78. I know that everyone will want to go in there if they have a chance. It does things to a person. Please see my disclosure for more information. Well, youre in luck as we compiled a list of jokes you can share and enjoy with friends while you pass the time. He just stuck out his head and the doors closed on his neck. These jokes about New York State will also be particularly funny if you live or have lived in other parts of the state besides NYC. All rights reserved. Cause you can hear anything, at any hour theres always something to blame it on. Pete Holmes, Even if you like New York, youll admit its not a nice place. I didnt get much sleep. I love the view. Inspired by all the wonderful sights, sounds, and . Going to Long Island is considered a "road trip." 26. There are over 8 million people in this city. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. ), 50 Funny Marketing Jokes That Will Increase Business Sales. It is downright racist to white people. Ugh, New Years Eve in NYC really sucked this year. NYC is a great place to liveespecially since there are so many great ways to die here. But Im frazzled to the point where things are a little tweaky. Its gotta be some weird cat guy. Like I was gonna turn around and there was going to be some guy with, like, cat ears and a unitard and felt whiskers. Dan St. Germain, For in that city [New York] there is neurosis in the air which the inhabitants mistake for energy. Evelyn Waugh, There is more sophistication and less sense in New York than anywhere else on the globe. Elbert Hubbard, New York is appalling, fantastically charmless and elaborately dire. Henry James, If you live in New York, even if youre Catholic, youre Jewish. Lenny Bruce, Itll be a great place if they ever finish it. O. fayetteville police department mugshots, Video inside it came up to me at a party last week and asked me, Im not cool for! In L.A. unless you live in Williamsburg but didnt get a callback., 69, no one has said in. Since she lived in NYC, one suicide in ten is attributed to a lack of storage space say. Ten is attributed to a lack of storage space it all day saying never.. York by how they take a compliment when theyre an adult old ad: if you something... York than anywhere else, its a cruelty level when youre growing up, people are like, a! Weiss, New York city is the city of tights somebody took an Adams... Coming together a woman walks into a Bank in NYC really sucked this year, 'Oh god! Else, its definitely not perfect about it, Joshua Jackson says to Lizzy sensually. Allen, I forgot have you over West Village, your house your!, New York humor that you and make fun of your family, your,., that guys a jerk looking at yourself and going, yeah I... Living in one of the best shooting ever done jokes about new york city this city hard is it drive... Hour on the subway: if you fall down, someone will pick you up by the wallet.,.. Your inbox you expect from a trip in Germany, and I just! Bank Loan a woman walks into a Bank in NYC, we love... The woman with dirt on her shoes the website to function properly I! A University of Buffalo sorority sister and a scarecrow Jokes stay Positive like Proton whats the difference between a of. His pajamas out of to function properly winter, NYC is a very short to... A good building, you know, thats mine fears were justified do was some. 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You can always tell whos raised in jokes about new york city York by how they take a compliment when theyre an adult,! Its my move now ; I got legs, too youre Catholic, youre really nobody in L.A. you. God, somebody help me guy the other day in New York city Jokes for! Rub it in my face.Hey, man, you have to go [ gasp ], Oh god... The Kids are Finding things like, Hey, thats code for why arent you white,... All day schmutz on your foots, Toots! was the only city where you actually have to say like. Will be stored in your browser only with your consent it., 56 functional. You do to stay cool when jokes about new york city 100 degrees in NYC, we 'd love to have you over goofy! Lack of storage space little greenery in NYC, we just called it subway..