In a typical family dynamic there are common roles assumed by different individuals. And that commute can be a PAIN IN THE ASS. And living together for only 3 weeks isnt enough time to really establish a routine. If money is tight, you dont even have to plan expensive excursions. lets_be_honest You arent happy and yet you stay. Yeah.. He loves to spend time with his family, and that is not a bad thing. Or I used to. lets_be_honest The LW may be overreacting. That's a tricky one as this issue must have crossed your mind when you married someone whose family is in another country - you Well, then you are simply NOT a match. The compromise that LW needs to make is to give up just going into the city on random, unplanned activities and make a plan for every weekend. June 18, 2014, 12:32 pm. All rights reserved. If he lived in town permanently and this was happening every night, I think its a different story but we are talking sporadic weekends over a 2 season period. My husband calls his mom about once a week as well and his dad a few times a year. You are asking how you can change him and his feelings on this and get him to grow up. Its when a relationship switches from the wooing phase to the were together phase. Or pick berries. it was a constant struggle for almost 5 years because when Id drive to see him, wed get alone time, but of course i had to drive there. That was my first thought. he also said all the right things, like baby i wouldnt do that your friends just dont like me, etc etc. Relationship time without your family is really important to me and I hope we can work in implementing a date day/night where it is just us.; your other option if he still doesnt agree to this or guilts you, is ending the relationship, because this is not going to change. Shes not being selfish or mean, shes simply asking for him to place more importance on her & their relationship. At best, a season and a half. If you have something like, oh, I dont know, a skydiving excursion planned on, say, a Saturday afternoon that hes home, and maybe a float trip on Sunday morning before he leaves, that leaves just a small amount of time for him to see his parents enough for a short visit, but not so much that youre spending 80% of the weekend with them. I really would like to know if this LW is asking to actually do something with her boyfriend and hes flat out refusing. But, if I were you, I wouldnt go every time. January 20, 2012, 9:14 am. Addie Pray when we went to move in together we just said ok, what price range are you looking for. Youve lived together for three weeks. I think more than anything, you have to have a VERY solid foundation of good communication to have a successful live-in relationshipand this letter makes me feel, at least, that they havent been together long enough to achieve that. I dont know how to handle a situation that hasnt happened yet. They just enjoy your and your boyfriends company and would be happy, it sounds like, if you never left. I think maybe its like he would spend time with her, and go on his own to his parents before they moved in, but since they live together maybe she feels like since hes going she has to go along. Hell appreciate her more if she starts acting a little more independently. everyone just has a different approach to their relationship. Agreed. You are not jointly responsible for bills you used to handle separately. Better you learn where things stand now than later down the road if/when he proposes or you get married. Then, he needs to ask her, calmly and without accusation, why she prefers to spend her weekends with her Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. Haha. The money thing should definitely be discussed too I mean when youre looking for apartments how does this not come up? And I bet your boyfriend will come home a bit sooner if you do! Thats a long ass time at home, no? ReginaRey Who keeps the dog? I agree. If theyve only been living together 3 weeks how is spending every weekend at his parents excessive? Hes not weird to want to spend time with his parents, and if shes gone along with it until now, getting him to change wont be easy. January 20, 2012, 10:57 am. WebOn one level he wants to be the good husband and provide for you and make you safe and enjoy happy and fulfilling moments with you. At best, you will an appendage to his family. Well, I guess that frame of mind is just not one Im personally willing to take. That way your BF gets to see his parents, and you arent having to schlep back and forth. ForeverYoung And if he doesnt, then thats a big red flag. This is her perception. In fact, this couple isnt married, so they arent even her in-laws. . It would be a lot of some, but we like it. Did he see them a lot over the holidays or not see them much at all? No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. Link AnneJune 18, 2014, 10:20 am Healthy couples accept these realities of life, work together to minimize the strain, and maximize their relaxation and entertainment time.. And if they live together. It showed up in the wrong spot for some reason. And he was a bore. June 18, 2014, 11:03 am. It certainly wasnt for me or any of my friends when they took the next step. Sources: Ive studied psychology and dysfunctional family dynamics for years. All Im saying is, neither ways are wrong. She likes my family, but wanted a relationship with my father that is separate from them, and he agreed to it. And the rest of my family in US get together almost every weekend as well. One thing that stood out was the mention of the division of expenses, LW even though you put it almost just as an aside, I think its something you really should discuss with your BF. This has been going on for 4 years and its not going to change on its own. For the LWs boyfriend, perhaps hes someone who enjoys being homebound, and after only three weeks, the new place doesnt feel like home yet. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. IN both matters (money and going to his parents), please dont be afraid to make your voice heard!! When they were planning on adopting, I told her that if this is an issue to where she is left with baby a huge amount of time and resents him for it, its not going to be pretty. So make him choose. But I think what struck me is how little they seemed to have discuss things social preferences, money, etc. If he came back home, he would insist that we spend the whole weekend out in the rural area hanging out with his parents. I have to say, I kind of feel like LW jumped the gun on this one. If you are an introvert, unlike your husband, who is a social butterfly, there are more reasons for arguments. The only respite I got was working on Sundays occasionally. One thing you can try before just accepting things as they are or moving on already is to start scheduling activities and day trips on the weekends that your boyfriend is home. June 18, 2014, 11:08 am. I do care for his parents and they are nice people but at the same time I want a separate life with just me and my boyfriend. Tests are incredibly unfair to your partner, because they deserve a chance to hear what you really want and you deserve a chance to hear what they want. Have you explained that to him? But, guilting someone is wrong and there is a little of that going on here. I guess Im sort of mystified why this is so puzzling to the LW that she would even write an advice column over it. Just tell your boyfriend you dont want to go to his parents house every weekend. Because the simple fact that you are moving in together means things will not just continue as they are. Those things how they want to spend their weekends, their philosophies about money are the kind of things you should know about someone BEFORE making the huge commitment of moving in together. 1. 15 signs he doesnt want to spend time with you 1) Hes always busy Granted, most people are busy these days. That was seven years ago. That in itself is not dysfunctional, but putting a guilt trip on somebody because they would rather do something else is. Yeah I dont understand what is weird about just talking about it. I miss just being able to head out into the city at random, looking for things to do, which is what I did when I was single and even when my boyfriend and I werent living together. Lemongrass Other than the timeline (which could be a typo), Im confused about something else. Wanting to spend time with family on the weekends isnt exactly dysfunctional., GatorGirl WebI've also been in a relationship with Tim for three years. It would be a waste to find someone you genuinely enjoy spending time with, only to lose the chance to be with them because of your lack of awareness or an inability I would blow my brains out if I were with someone who needed to do something every single weekend all weekend long, even if it were just go to a friend or family members house. You know what will happen when you make him choose between spending every single weekend in the suburbs with his parents or three weekends a month in the city with you? You dont need to spend every weekend or every day with your boyfriend. While he enjoys his sweet nostalgia and thinks abouthow good things used to be, you sit at home and wonder if you can handle such issues with such an immature husband. For that matter, so do many of the ideas posted here in response. But according to the LW, they dont have anything else to do.. Well, thats separate problem. All rights reserved. i mean yeah there are certain things that happen naturally but there are certain things you have to have a conversation about. Also, let him know that the paying for tickets to the suburbs is expensive for you, so ask if he would be willing to limit the number of times that you go to visit his parents (say once a month). My boyfriend goes to his mom and dads every weekend doesnt think me or my children with him he used to text me all the time and call me he doesnt do that anymore weve been together 3 years and there any place he ever takes me is to the grocery store and back home and he doesnt even hardly touch or kiss or anything anymore I tell him I love him all the time hell tell me back but I feel that he just tells me because he doesnt want it to hurt me. If so thats just about the worst reason in existence for moving in with a boyfriend. The BF is emotionally (and physically) unavailable and I dont know that it will change without some sort of drastic action from the LW. In being present in any matters their adult children bring to them, they reassert their power and superior knowledge. WebWe spend far more time during the year with husbands family. . He may be more agreeable to carving out some time for just the two of you if you present it that way as a compromise. I had to learn that people mean different things by it. You can accept that this is how it is for as long as he works a job that has him away from home for months on end and if you ever have kids, it will be worse because his parents will have grandkids theyll want to spend time with in addition to their son or you can decide this is a deal-breaker and move on. Stop going to the burbs with him all the time. In some ways I think I sympathize with the LWs boyfriend because I am very close to my family and I try to see them 1-2 week, but the thing is I almost never bring my boyfriend unless its a family gathering or he expresses an interest to go. Pronouns made that a little less clear. Also, it depends on the relationships within the family. I realize that some situations are delicate, and they may want help on what exactly to say, but this isnt really one of those. maybe im misunderstanding you. In perhaps nicer phrasingyes. and it sounds like she hasnt even tried to discuss this current issue with him. Laura Hope, I totally agree with you. I mean they obviously leave and get their nights together so its not like they are having sleepovers etc. Oh yeah I forgot to leave out I never see my family at all he spends every holiday with his parents while I sit at home with my children, Skyblossom Then offer a compromise. Wow its creepy how similar this is to my ex boyfriend! *If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com and be sure to follow me on Twitter. In short, you havent had time to even get to the point where your differences might start to come to lightand then become dealbreakers. I think the problem here is that if the boyfriend doesnt go to his moms house, shell drop by and visit them. I cant imagine that life! Schedule some girls' nights out. It would be best if you tried to find a solution that would be good for you, him, and his parents. Have you tried just not going? But Im talking about my family. They arent her parents. I hate to say it, but I dont think your boyfriend or his parents (especially his parents) are going to change. I mean if youre moving in together youre obviously adults, and it shouldnt be an awkward conversation. They live together 7 days a week, so I dont see whats the big deal if he spends only 2 of those days with them (unless he never gives his gf a single weekend). Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. Now, I usually call my mom once a week and my MIL occasionally. My friends personalities changed drastically bitter, enraged, drug and booze binges, even suicidal ideation because losing Mommy destroyed them. I am actually not promoting anything. Im not sure how much leverage she has with the parents. After marriage, EVERY SINGLE SUNDAY was spent at his folks house. The LW left out the most significant part of the story which makes it pretty tough for outsiders to offer any real help. No matter how long they could be dating, if he preferred spending his weekends with her because that was their only opportunity, she would not have known that once they live together he will choose to spend that time with his family because now he sees her every day at home. Yea I totally agreethis is a very short timeline. Sometimes Bassanio feels kind of bad when his parents do this, but I just point out that they dont mean that hes the worst son if he doesnt do something and that its ok to say no. Whether you need help around the house, want to go on a romantic weekend getaway together, or just want to cuddle while watching movies, youre entitled to it. January 20, 2012, 12:27 pm. I imagine the problem would be solved pretty easily. You are still in the early days of this relationship so make sure you are upfront with your expectations. Even if it isnt a matter of cutting apron strings or anything, some people just enjoy spending more time with their families than others. I wonder if part of this is having to share your time with someone else. Are you and your husband having any problems in your marriage? Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day. I try to suggest fun things to do but its as if he doesnt feel like doing them. I swear, every time I talk to my parents (or Bassanio talks to his) theyre always lightly guilting us about visiting or a family vacation or something. Except for the part where they are not spending much time together at all, lets_be_honest June 18, 2014, 12:45 pm. I mean, I worked so hard to play for this place, might as well enjoy it on occasion. Let your boyfriend stay at his parents longer and do something else in the meantime. Hes going to do what hes going to do and if in four years he hasnt changed, then he probably wont, Your only choice is to accept it or move on. i tried to be supportive when they broke up but i wanted to throw a party. As for the LWs sitch, its only been a few weeks. Lemongrass Will.i.am I know its tough when your fellow is away during the week and you want to see him too but if it stresses you out, take yourself out of the situation. She says but I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month. So, we dont have a failure to communicate, we have a failure to reach agreement on how they should spend their weekends. January 20, 2012, 11:45 am. Lets find out why he behaves like that and offer tips on what you should do. TaraMonster Some families really are just that close. November 29, 2019, 5:49 pm, Angelique They made mistakes and making mistakes and taking risks is what being an adult is all about. Just because you live together does not mean the dating portion of events is over. Drews father is in his 90s (!!) Very short timeline they should spend their weekends but, guilting someone is wrong and there a! Even tried to discuss this current issue with him house, shell drop by and them. A conversation about that she would even write an advice column over it your marriage do..,. 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