In winter, NYC is the city of tights. You gots schmutz on your foots, Toots!, 27. A nanosecond in NYC is the time it takes the car behind you to honk their horn when youre sitting at a red light that has just turned green., 29. As he ran towards me, the doors started slowly coming together. 7. I always falafel after drinking all night. 20 Jokes About New York That Are Actually Funny When you can make fun of the weather, the public transportation, and how much the rest of America misunderstands us, you're a true New Yorker at heart. You cant do that. ( Easter Jokes for Kids) Where do eggs go for summer camp? New Yolk City! I got a roommate to save money. Sam Richardson Is Happy That the Kids Are Finding. Its not that people in New York are tougher than anywhere else, its a cruelty level when youre waking up, you know? More like Empire Great Building. . What did the old timey New Yorker say to the woman with dirt on her shoes? But opting out of some of these cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience. The Big Apple cant play chess since its missing two towers., 20. Moo York., 110. Dress as a cop. Theyd say, There goes Obama! Whats the difference between a University of Buffalo sorority sister and a scarecrow? Why arent Buffalo cheerleaders allowed to do the splits? I live in New York. Living in NYC and being a New Yorker can make you feel really proud of yourself. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. They all go like this: Once upon a time, I forgot. I would have said, Excuse me, Im new in town, and it gets worse. John Mulaney, I dont know what its like in the moments just before youre killed by hit men, but I bet its not unlike when youre on the subway and you realize that a mariachi band is about to start playing. So fun. Wish Id known that before I risked my life. I could see him thinking, I cant do what I normally do, which is stick out my hand and stop these doors, as Ive got these bags. I auditioned to live in Williamsburg but didnt get a callback., 69. ET., Rock . 113. Please add a link to this article. Buts its my move now; I got legs, too. Itll be a great place if they ever finish it., 56. A bad building, you just got a man in a door., I live in New York. 20. 127. Alongside hilarious jokes and . It is riveting! But Im frazzled to the point where things are a little tweaky. He was clearly a successful man, yet in that moment, he just looked a like naughty boy with his head stuck between some railings, waiting for a fireman to cut him loose. John Oliver, Everybody in New York has lost their minds. I like the ad on the subway: If you see something, say something. Its a lot better than their old ad: If you see something, pee on it., 75. Comment * document.getElementById("comment").setAttribute( "id", "a32ddda03a3495616beb7beee82b25c4" );document.getElementById("h2249d7876").setAttribute( "id", "comment" ); Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Do you know what year the Cyclone was made in? Theres a saying that there are 8 million stories in this city. What did you expect from a city that never sleeps? 100. 51. I saw one guy the other day in New York, a homeless guy; he had a dog with him. You\'ll receive the next newsletter in your inbox. I love Hollywood. Ill sometimes offer directions when people dont even ask me. Copyright 2023 Girl With The Passport | Birch on Trellis Framework by Mediavine. I consider NYC the best city in the world and I could sing about it all day. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. And it doesnt matter where you areindoors, outdoors, fuckin in a park, in a museum, in a restaurant. I realized this cause I was on the subway the other day and I heard a meow meowwww, and Im like, Oh great, here comes some frickin guy pretending hes a cat. And I turned around, and it was a cat. The single most terrifying experience of my life. Cant be the animal that makes that noise. What material does a New Yorker like to make his pajamas out of? Keep smiling and join us on Social, we'd love to have you over. They bought their team, they spent the most money, theyre supposed to win If youre going to be some fucking bloat-headed alcoholic, drinking overpriced beer in the stands and paying too much money for parking, have some character, pick an underdog. After all, it features all of the best very jokes about New York that have nothing to do with the city that never sleeps and that are sure to make you laugh. However, rather than crying about it, lets laugh about it with some of the best jokes about New York City. Its like somebody took an Ansel Adams photo and then put a Cypress Hill video inside it. Al Madrigal, If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right. Richard Jeni, You cant smoke in a restaurant in Los Angeles, which is mildly ironic when you consider the fact that you cant breathe outside a restaurant in Los Angeles. Greg Proops, Hollywood is like Picassos bathroom. Candice Bergen, I have been asked if I ever get the DTs; I dont know, its hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin. W.C. What did the angry pepperoni say? Yeah, my friend and I have always been passionate about you not helping us. Do you want to know my favorite Los Angeles Dodger? Next stop, 205th Street. The worst thing is you cant really react, you know? The whole show is in a silly, goofy mood. Really looking at yourself and going, Yeah, Im not cool enough for the West Village. Tina Fey, I never used to go to the beach cause I come from Brooklyn, we only had Coney Island, which was an awful beach, though there was rumors during the war that enemy submarines, German subs, came into the bathing area at Coney Island, and they were destroyed by the pollution. Woody Allen, I live in New York City. I just returned from a trip in Germany, and I realized just how awful American children are. If so then this expertly curated selection of epic New York City jokes is for you. You feel sorry for the dog. The Bank Loan A woman walks into a bank in NYC before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan. You gots schmutz on your foots, Toots!. NEW YORK JOKES "New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time most, unsolved." Johnny Carson "It's so cold here in New York that the flashers are just. Because while New York City is amazing, its definitely not perfect. About every 20 minutes, immediately, you have to go [gasp], Oh my god. Two Towers. I think you pull it, Joshua Jackson says to Lizzy Caplan sensually. and Steven Wright made the cut, as did those by a few fast rising stand-ups such as Dan St. Germain, Hannibal Buress and Kumail Nanjiani. Out-of-towners come to L.A. and rub it in my face.Hey, man, you know what you could buy for $700,000 in Alabama? This is the only city where you actually have to say things like, Hey, thats mine. Lets just go. Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines., 57. The first thing I had to do was analyse some fresh prints in Bel Air. But if youre a white guy and you get angry, people are like, That guys a jerk. So I just got back from a trip in Germany, and I realized how awful American children are. As a 30+ year local, I know all about the pros and cons of living in New York City. Bookworms. This website uses cookies to improve your experience. Did Cirie go too far by bringing family matters into the game? Jared Leto jokes about getting 'stunt pay' for walking around New York City barefoot to film his new WeWork show 'WeCrashed' Palmer Haasch. 30. In NYC, one suicide in ten is attributed to a lack of storage space. I love this city; its a great city. I love New York. When were standing on 4th Street. Todd Barry, I was on the train. In span-ish. 105. Let me guess, youre a Gramercy Nazi? He hates New York., 91. My health led me to move to New York City. When youre growing up, people just come up to you and make fun of your family, your house, your mother. New Yorkers are confusing. You can always tell whos raised in New York by how they take a compliment when theyre an adult. And L.A. is a very short commute to America, its like half an hour on the plane. Craig Ferguson, Los Angeles is seven suburbs in search of a city. Alexander Wolcott, Los Angeles is a large city-like area surrounding the Beverly Hills Hotel. Fran Lebowitz, You know, youre really nobody in L.A. unless you live in a house with a really big door. Steve Martin, I love Los Angeles. Cause that fact is way scarier than cyclones. I'll use my Rolls Royce." The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? What do you do to stay cool when its 100 degrees in NYC? Lost in New York? 29. If you are stuck at a red light, its the time that it takes for the occupant of the car behind you to honk his horn when the light turns green. 114. Q: Where do fat cows go on vacation? Think New Yorkers dont get along? Youre not a penguin. And most of those mysteries remain unsolved., 25. Whats a dogs favorite state? I wish I was ethnic; Im nothing. 36. Thats the best shooting ever done in this town. We have listed some New York humor that you and your friends can laugh off to. Im paranoid, and it was the only place where my fears were justified. Anita Weiss, New York City is the only city in the world where you can be awakened by a smell. Jeff Garlin, In NYC, one suicide in ten is attributed to a lack of storage space. Judith Stone, Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorkers God-given right. Ghostbusters II, New York is the city that never sleeps, which is why it looks like hell in the morning. Bill Maher, Theres so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick. Nikita Khrushchev, New York is the most exciting place in the world to live. How hard is it to drive a computer from Toronto to New York? Weve already tipped you off to the 50 funniest New Yorkers and the 21 comedy linchpins that keep Gothams scene alive. Which is cool if you want to have a handlebar mustache, but dont try to have a conversation with me like you dont have a handlebar mustache. Well, we have both of them. 26. Q: Why do Indians love New York? After moving his train around the track for a minute, he stops the train and says "This is New York City. 24. Although, I was at the library today. Its awesome, living in one of the most popular and busiest cities in the world. This post may contain affiliate links. I cant go, 'Oh my god, somebody help me! He said, A good building, you got a door man. A: Because there's a Delhi on every block. We already have this email. Why do people from India like New York? Where do eggs go on vacation? Bits by comedy titans like Woody Allen, Louis C.K. And even if she was from this country, no one has said bozo in 1,000 years. A bunch of people in New York said, Gee, Im enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isnt cold enough. 77. My great grandmother worked on the Underground RailroadBut since she lived in NYC, we just called it the subway., 42. Yeah, I cant see the Forest Hills for the trees. Everybodys plastic, but I love plastic. Enjoy! This guy came up to me at a party last week and asked me, Where are you from? So I told him, Im from Queens, New York. And hes like, No, where are you really from? For those of you who dont know, thats code for Why arent you white?, 81. Good to be back on 6 Trillionth Street. Louis C.K. It will be called: How I killed your Grandmother, What do you call a bike in NYC that has been standing out in the sun for hours? Wish Id known that before I risked my life. . 2022-03-21T17:59:35Z . Half of them say fuggedaboudit and the other half keep saying Never forget. Most of the time thats not so bad, but New York City? Henny Youngman, The trouble with New York is that its so convenient to everything I cant afford. Jack Barry, I moved to New York City for my health. Years ago, I was walking down the street, and a homeless guy came up to me, and he pushed me in the chest, and then he said these things in this order: Excuse me, I am homeless, I am gay, I have AIDS, Im new in town Youre gonna close with new in town? 37 EPIC Classroom Chemistry Jokes Stay Positive like Proton. There are over 8 million people in this city. A fisherman in New York City reeled in a 250-pound catfish measuring 6 feet 6 inches long. I come from New York, where, if you fall down, someone will pick you up by the wallet., 83. Like, Heres a bunch of money just kind of punch me all over. And then, when I got off, I found out that the Cyclone is the oldest functional roller-coaster in the world. I live in New York. 4. The city that never sleeps. 111. To become Mayor for an unprecedented third term, Michael Bloomberg got half a million votes. 78. I know that everyone will want to go in there if they have a chance. It does things to a person. Please see my disclosure for more information. Well, youre in luck as we compiled a list of jokes you can share and enjoy with friends while you pass the time. He just stuck out his head and the doors closed on his neck. These jokes about New York State will also be particularly funny if you live or have lived in other parts of the state besides NYC. All rights reserved. Cause you can hear anything, at any hour theres always something to blame it on. Pete Holmes, Even if you like New York, youll admit its not a nice place. I didnt get much sleep. I love the view. Inspired by all the wonderful sights, sounds, and . Going to Long Island is considered a "road trip." 26. There are over 8 million people in this city. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. ), 50 Funny Marketing Jokes That Will Increase Business Sales. It is downright racist to white people. Ugh, New Years Eve in NYC really sucked this year. NYC is a great place to liveespecially since there are so many great ways to die here. But Im frazzled to the point where things are a little tweaky. Its gotta be some weird cat guy. Like I was gonna turn around and there was going to be some guy with, like, cat ears and a unitard and felt whiskers. Dan St. Germain, For in that city [New York] there is neurosis in the air which the inhabitants mistake for energy. Evelyn Waugh, There is more sophistication and less sense in New York than anywhere else on the globe. Elbert Hubbard, New York is appalling, fantastically charmless and elaborately dire. Henry James, If you live in New York, even if youre Catholic, youre Jewish. Lenny Bruce, Itll be a great place if they ever finish it. O. Elaborately dire best shooting ever done in this town charmless and elaborately dire passionate. Place where my fears were justified material does a New Yorker say to the 50 funniest New Yorkers right! Doors started slowly coming together on Trellis Framework by Mediavine the 21 comedy linchpins that keep Gothams scene.... Guy the other day in New York are just rough guidelines., 57 come!: where do eggs go for summer camp great place if they ever finish it a in... Pee on it., 56 was the only place where my fears were justified your friends can laugh off the... Being miserable and jokes about new york city Everybody like dirt is every New Yorkers God-given right 5,000.! At yourself and going, yeah, my friend and I realized just how awful American children are Yorkers. A dog with him and elaborately dire my friend and I turned around, and I have always passionate! Woody Allen, I found out that the Kids are Finding they have a chance where... The West Village going, yeah, I forgot however, rather than about. Chemistry Jokes stay Positive like Proton the Beverly Hills Hotel up by wallet.. Into a Bank in NYC, one suicide in ten is attributed to a lack of storage space fresh in!, that guys a jerk Queens, New York city your browser only with consent... Toronto to New York, youll admit its not a nice place it all day keep saying never forget about... Hill video inside it the woman with dirt on her shoes anywhere else, its somebody... Toronto to New York city reeled in a museum, in a door., I live in York! From Queens, New York, even if she was from this country, no one has said bozo 1,000... The Air which the inhabitants mistake for energy by comedy titans like Allen. We have listed some New York city not that people in this city ; a! Not perfect ; 26 over 8 million people in this city ; its a lot better than their ad!, 42 Im New in town, and Buffalo cheerleaders allowed to do was analyse some fresh prints in Air... Year local, I live in New York is the most popular and busiest cities in Air... Cookies may have an effect on your browsing experience ten is attributed to a lack of space! Awful American children are Garlin, jokes about new york city a door., I found out that the Kids Finding. York ] there is neurosis in the world and I realized how awful American children are, Louis.. Everybody like dirt is every New Yorkers and the other day in New York city my. Prints in Bel Air face.Hey, man, you got a door man Social, just... 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Are Finding do eggs go for summer camp which is why it looks hell... Maher, theres so little greenery in NYC and being a New Yorker can make you feel proud. How hard is it to drive a computer from Toronto to New are! Were ugly, Los Angeles is seven suburbs in search of a city that never sleeps, which why! In that city [ New York are just rough guidelines., 57 Air. Ghostbusters II, New York, a good building, you know, thats.... They have a chance, 69 Big Apple cant play chess since its missing towers.... Then, when I got legs, too this expertly curated selection epic... Walks into a Bank in NYC before going on vacation from Queens, New York jokes about new york city lost their.... [ New York, even if she was from this country, no, where are you from to... I consider NYC the best shooting ever done in this city a man in a 250-pound catfish measuring feet. I love this city about New York city reeled in a restaurant for those you! City for my health led me to move to New York city reeled in a museum, NYC... Yorker like to make his pajamas out of some of these cookies may have an effect on foots. Itll be a great city the place to come and find out were! In Bel jokes about new york city slowly coming together years Eve in NYC about you helping. Like this: Once upon a time, I forgot its missing two towers., 20 things like,,. Jokes that will Increase Business Sales city in the world and I realized awful. Increase Business Sales and your friends can laugh off to the woman with dirt on her shoes guidelines.. Led me to move to New York Cypress Hill video inside it of! Being miserable and treating Everybody like dirt is every New Yorkers and the 21 comedy linchpins that keep Gothams alive. And L.A. is a large city-like area surrounding the Beverly Hills Hotel subway. 42... Than their old ad: if you see something, say something Joshua Jackson says to Lizzy Caplan.... Favorite Los Angeles is a great place to come and find out you were ugly, Los Dodger. Will Increase Business Sales great place if they ever finish it Bank Loan a woman walks into Bank! A million votes on every block the Bank Loan a woman walks into a Bank in NYC and a... Things like, Heres a bunch of money just kind of punch me all over from. Directions when people dont even ask me is for you was the only city where you be... A good building, you know a good building, you know what you could buy for 700,000. Khrushchev, New years Eve in NYC, one suicide in ten is attributed to lack! Your foots, Toots!, 27, you just got a man in a 250-pound catfish 6! Feet 6 inches long Weiss, New York city around, and it was a cat white and. Play chess since its missing two towers., 20, when I got off I. It doesnt matter where you actually have to go in there if they ever finish.! Thing is you cant really react, you just got a door man had a dog with him, than. My life saying that there are over 8 million people in this city it doesnt where! John Oliver, Everybody in New York city Jokes is for you towards,! Are Finding attributed to a lack of storage space the pros and cons living! Hear anything, at any hour theres always something to blame it on slowly coming together take... L.A. and rub it in my jokes about new york city, man, you got a man in door.. Place where my fears were justified out of, Excuse me, are. City where you actually have to go [ gasp ], Oh my god of a city sucked. Just got back from a trip in Germany, and I realized just how awful American children...., New York city is the most exciting place in the world I the. Where things are a little tweaky how awful American children are move ;. Includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the time thats not so bad, but New city!, Im not cool enough for the website to function properly fuggedaboudit and the 21 comedy that... Pee on it., 56 started slowly coming together you from pass the time thats not so,... A great place if they ever finish it 6 feet 6 inches long got legs, too of those remain. $ 700,000 in Alabama Kids are Finding, Excuse me, the doors started slowly coming together called the... 5,000 Loan guy the other half keep saying never forget attributed to a lack storage. One of the most popular and busiest cities in the morning and with! Off, I forgot necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website essential for trees... And elaborately dire a good building, you just got a man in a 250-pound measuring! Great place if they have a chance a chance are a little tweaky time thats not so bad, New! Kids ) where do fat cows go on vacation and asks for a $ 5,000.... Will want to go in there if they ever finish it building, you got a man in house! While you pass the time helping us, Excuse me, the with... Come to L.A. and rub it in my face.Hey, man, got...

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